Kevin Hoffman

A while ago my mother found a bunch of my grade school (like 3rd - 5th grade era) report cards and progress reports. They pretty universally read like "Kevin is struggling" or "Kevin is having a hard time" and go on and on to describe that I'm not doing well and that my mother really needs to fix it or else I'm going to start failing, etc. I didn't feel stupid or incapable at the time, I just felt entirely unremarkable. I didn't feel as though there was a single thing about me that was any different than any other kid ... except maybe that I didn't do as well scholastically as my friends. Somehow, despite "needing help" and "struggling", I was reading at a 12th grade level in 4th grade. I was placed in remedial to average classes until grade 8.

I didn't know it at the time, of course, but I had (and still have) ADD. I do not have any hyperactivity problems and in fact have sometimes been referred to as a sloth in the past. On subjects that I could obsess over and that interested me, I did exceptionally well (except for testing) and on boring subjects I did exceptionally bad (including testing).

A common thread here is testing. I have never tested well and never will. I hate the experience of being in a test. My stomach churns and I fidget, twitch, itch, and otherwise cannot focus on the test. I fail tests for easy and hard classes alike and only in recent adult years have I ever been able to pass a test on a boring topic (passed the MCSD exam for SQL Server 2005.. good lord that test was boring.. I had to take it twice to pass).

While in the middle of a test, there is a single thread running through my mind... it sounds like this "I want to be done. I don't care if I get all the answers wrong I don't care if it ruins the rest of my life I don't care I don't care I want to be done!!!". I remember a mid-term exam for Calculus once while at University - I was maintaining a decent Bish/Cish average. I got to the mid-term, panicked, and randomly picked all answers on the test and fled the mid-term 15 minutes after the exam began. I failed it and tanked my average.

When someone with my particular type of ADD is confronted with a long-running task that gives them anxiety such as studying for an exam, I have two standard responses:

1. Obsess about the studying for, preparation for, and acing of, said exam to the exclusion of all else, including daily responsibilities such as acknowledging the presence of one's family and friends.
2. Ignore it. Avoid it. Run like hell and pretend the exam doesn't exist. When it comes time to take the test, pick random answers and be done with it as soon as humanly possible.

Unfortunately, I have in the past done both #1 and #2. I've spent months preparing for an exam and then blew it off out of raw, primal fear when it came time to take the test. That allows me to wallow in self-pity for months after receiving my 0% grade, further increasing my test-related anxiety.

Want to hear how the cycle of self-destruction continued? I decided to start learning Japanese a while back. I felt as though the study of it was floundering (though I was having a crapload of fun) so I decided maybe if I set a goal, some kind of target, then I'd have more productive studies. What did I set as my goal? Why, the JLPT3 Japanese Language Proficiency Test, a once-a-year, international certification. So I did my usual - I turned what was once a fun passtime/hobby into a hyper-obsessed anxiety-ridden downward spiral while preparing for this test.

So I've decided to not take the test.. ever. Regardless of whether or not I think I can pass it, I've decided not to take it. Within minutes of making this decision, I felt happier, lighter, and less stressed. The ominous, looming shadow of the upcoming test went away and learning Japanese became instantly fun again.

So what's the moral of the story? I'm not really sure. A wise friend of mine once passed a quote (perhaps paraphrased) on to me that everyone should live by:

"Find out what you don't like doing, and stop doing it."

Simple, yet powerful.